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Getting Older

I am having a very hard time getting over my denial that I am getting older.  Here is a list of reasons that I know I am aging…

1.  I have noticed that my ears and my nose are enlarging.  I heard this never stops!!!

2. I see many, many fine lines around my eyes, so much that I believe a spider could get lost in them.

3. I get irritated at teenagers for doing the same things I had done.

4. My thick locks are not as thick as they used to be or as think as I still think they are.

5.  Instead of 2 weeks in the gym to get back into shape it takes me an average of 3 months. (P90X)

6. Never getting I.d.’d for anything is a constant reminder.

7.  Thinking about my fiber and eating all of my fruits and vegetables. (started looking at Ensure for the vitamin factor)

8.  The hang overs seem to be more catastrophic, takes days to get over them now.

9.  I need glasses now to watch TV and read.

10.  My shoulders, knees and back are now my worst enemies.

11.  My golf game is getting a hell of a lot better.

12.  I am no longer looking for acne, I am looking for age spots.

13.  The sun has become an enemy. If I wasn’t so damn cool I would take an umbrella outside to block th UV rays.

14.  I am too old to wear shirts with designs on them although I never did before.

15.  Your more apt to find me at the bookstore than the dance club.

16.  I call it a dance club

17. Eight hours of sleep just never seems like enough.

18.   I am seriously considering time share.

19.  My annual physical keep getting more elaborate as the years pass ( a couple more years, I am gonna be a lot ‘closer’ to my Dr.)

and  20. I can make it to number 20 without stopping and wonder if I should take this list to fifty.

Feel free to add your own on the comments. 


Introducing The Lebonese (not all of them)

Yes, the Lebanese…This group of men ran an illegal LEVIS cartel.  What?  Yes, Levi Cartel.  We had three apartments, each one having a couple of older Lebanese gentlemen (“chaperones”).  All which by the way were either named Sam or Al.  Along with the chaperones was anywhere from three to six young teenagers living in each apartment also.  It was a sort of interracial halfway Brady bunch house.  All the kids were around my age, fourteen, fifteen drop outs, junkies although there were a couple of normal ones (well who seemed to be normal compared to the lot of them).

In exchange for the roof over our heads we would all pile up into three or four, filthy, minivans and travel from state to state, store to store and buy as many pairs of Levi 501 jeans on sale as possible.  This was so that by the end of the month after we had filled up an entire bedroom to the ceiling wall to wall, we would shove them all into as many U haul trucks as needed, drive it down to San Diego, throw it on a ship so that they could send them to Lebanon to get a disgusting return on their money.

The retail stores and the Feds started getting savvy to our little operation.  So most stores in the greater north-west, because of yours truly, implemented a maximum amount of jeans that could be sold to one person and that number was three.  Before this we were getting paid one dollar per pair of jeans we bought (with their money) and each of us was pulling in hundreds of pairs per day, so this new rule tossed a monkey wrench in our income.  Now we had to change our tactics drastically.  Now instead of six people in each van we had to fit suitcases of clothes, hats and even fake mustaches in with us.  We would all run into a store get our three pair maximum, run outside change clothes and do this as many times as we could before the store was either out or security escorted us off their premises.

Now these stores being as smart as they are changed their policy again and added not only a cap on the amount but now anyone that wanted to buy a pair of jeans needed to have a I.D..  This did not have the effect they were expecting, because after we all got our plethora of fake I.D’s we pretty much drained the Levi 501 market…Washington, Idaho and Montana were the next in line for our 501 supremacy, but you get the picture.

I don’t really remember how long I was with them, but it was a while.  Enough time to learn enough Arabic to get me by.  I also learned that if you are in the back of a mini van going 80 mph and the driver wont stop to let people use the bathroom, you get pretty good at going out the window. Always felt bad for the people driving behind us.

Eventually the IRS was able to catch up to us and deported our chaperones back to their own soil, forcefully I might add.

Going Over The Top 100

Ok, so Time Magazine put out their The 2011 TIME 100  most influential people in the world.    Now time to dig in, I will not be going over all of them, because, well I just don’t have that type of commitment to this list.

We have…

Reed Hastings; the founder of Netflix, you know the guy that changed the way we rent movies forever, or at least until the next guy comes up with something else.

Amy Poehler; So besides a handful of very funny movies like Baby Mama, and being on Saturday Night Live, I have no clue how “Influential” she can be.

Mark Zuckerberg;  Obviously no link needed.  I actually agree with this one, he changed the way we communicate more than any other social media site could have ever dreamed.  Although he may be a bit of a narcissist, he is a communication genius.

Peter Vesterbacka; I am irritated just typing this.  This is the creator of “Angry Birds“.

Amy Chua;  WHO?

Joe Biden; Ok I get it, he is the vice president, but really that’s like nominating the prom kings brother for just being related, but whatever.

Kim Clijsters; A tennis player, really?

Cory Booker;  How can a Mayor of Newark be among the top 100 IN THE WORLD?  He is not even a Senator!

Rob Bell;  I can’t wait until I finish ONE book so that I can be on this list next year.

Michele Bachmann;  This may take a minute…Ok so this whack job has said things like: “I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.” and jewels as “Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.”  Top 100 Idiots of all time maybe.

Justin Bieber; No link deserved.  Are you F’n kidding me?

Now this list goes on an on with people like, Sting and Mark Walberg.  I am not saying that the entire list is lame, there is alot of very important people on this list like, Wael Ghonim,  Ai Weiwei, Larry Page and Derrick Rossi.

Dear Time Magazine,

This biased and amazingly incompetently list should be as embarrassing to you as Rolling Stone is at putting Snookie on its cover.  This list should be pulled from your archive and every copy should be destroyed.  There are a lot of people on this post-it-note list that seem like seat fillers.  It seems that you got to around number fifty couldn’t think of anyone else, ran to the store got the enquirer and went crazy.  I have always liked your pieces, but this list is an atrocity.  If you need to throw actors on the list why not Micheal J Fox and Clint Eastwood.  Also how is Justin Bieber more influential than the Pope or say even Yogi Bear (they all love children, ok low blow).  I was honestly surprised that you didn’t put Glen Beck on that list.

No Thanks,

Thoughts Of An Ordinary Man

Poop Sensitive

Me being the poop sensitive man, that I am, I had a very hard time potty training my daughter.  I at one point wanted to take her to the doctor because I was afraid that she pooped way too many times during the day, I thought that it was abnormal.  When she was an infant it was always scary opening the putrid smelling wrap that kept the demon of the bowels contained.  I was more times than not utterly surprised that a butt, more than half way down the body could magically shoot poop up to my daughters hairline.  I think they called this explosive diarrhea .  A box of crayola could not compare with the variety of greens that I have seen in these wicked times.  Bathing was never a fun voyage with a tiny human that did not have the capacity to “hold It’.  I don’t know that anyone that does not have a child, has seen diarrhea in a roman tub, but it is something that you can live without.

I do not think that I have ever had a normal diaper changing episode, It was always either my hand somehow finding its way dab smack into the middle of the diaper or her hands somehow getting a mud mask when i went to get some new wipes.  There was one time that was ok, and it was only OK because about ten seconds before hand when I was taking off her onesie and fate decided that it was time for the residual from her em-biblical cord to get stuck in the fabric and ripped out.  So the overwhelming shock of thought that I just accidentally yanked off my daughter’s life line, I wasn’t paying too much attention to the poopy diaper.

It goes on after just getting your child to poop in the toilet, at this point you have to show them how to wipe.  It puts it in a whole different perspective when you see theses giblets floating in a toilet and not a diaper.  It makes it more human I guess you can say.  The calling out from the bathroom, ” Daddy, I went kaka can you come wipe me” always put a chill down my spine, just to hear poetry like “see daddy, I went big kaka like Mommy” (information that I neither need or wanted to ever know), not letting me off the hook until I inspect the lot of it.  Throughout the entire evolution of my daughter,  potty training was the part that I could have done without.  Again having the gag reflex of an inebriated man who decided to take one more last shot of tequila,  I have also been in the vicinity of my amazingly gorgeous daughter as she farts louder than I ever could, without ever even batting an eye, ( I may need to get her ears checked because she doesn’t seem to hear them) like an old woman.

The Salad Bar

I went to a salad bar today, no not like a sizzler, but a real salad bar.  Two things, if you are going to a salad bar to lose weight and/or watch what you eat then God bless you.  That being said, if you are going to a salad bar to lose weight and you go up to the bar six times, the only thing that you are doing to knock off pounds is the calories you burn from sitting and standing.  This is not meant to be a buffet like you see in the casinos in Las Vegas.  I was amazed sitting there watching people sweat over their food due to the exhausting hike they had to take on their four-foot journey.  Even more amazed at how many more rounds they made at the desert line than the salad.  Please do not take this as rude, take it as constructive criticism.

I have spent most of my life trying to stay in shape (besides my 1st marriage), and the one thing i can tell you is that to burn the fat from that gut and thighs is, healthy proportions and cardio.  Those two little jewels of info are the only thing that you need.  Now if you are on the slimmer side and want to bulk up or even get ripped I have one little saying for you, P90X.  This is the best workout that I have ever done, and if this doesn’t work for you than nothing will.

If not for an ego boost than do it to get healthy.  Why wouldn’t you want to add years to your life, feel and look better.  Well enough for the inspiration.

So my last rant for today is this.  I was on a four-day water fast, for cleansing purposes.  On the fifth day I ate mostly fresh fruit and vegetable juices. Sixth day brought it up a bit to some solid foods, felt fine.  A couple of weeks past and I, regrettably,  decided that it was time for me to indulge in a fast food burger.  What the hell is in this stuff that can turn a, cleansed, perfectly good stomach lining into a tangled mess of nausea and irritable bowl syndrome.  Honestly I don’t know how these fast food chains are still in business.  If you want to watch an exceptional documentary about how bad this food really is watch “Food Inc”, biased as it may be, it is informative.

R.I.P Old Friend

I would like to say a farewell, and just to say you will be missed.  The second that you were gone though I found something way better, I was able to do more things and I saw and heard things more clearly.  I found that all the time that I spent with you looking back was almost embarrassing now.  I  know now that I can never be committed again to just one idea.   I am talking of course about Technology.

Jason Miller

I am talking to my old pal the payphone (so hard to remember my fingers can barely type the two words together without the space bar).  I spent years not being able to leave the house without a pocket full of dimes, and I would never travel too far from a 7-11 with fear that I cannot get a hold of someone.  I am pretty amazed by one aspect of you, old friend, that there were not more ear infections in that generation.

I am also talking to you Vhs (so funny, after i did a spell check on my blog it had no suggestions for vhs) and Tape.  Whom without you I could never have heard such great music and movies in such a low quality setting.  I miss having to push fast forward seven hundred times to get to the right song or the right part in a movie.  I miss all the mixed taped with bad editing and dubbing.  I miss being able to record over all the important stuff on the vhs tapes.  The one thing that I don’t miss is now I do not have to rewind you all the way to return you to the video store with fear of being stoned to death by the kid behind the counter.

I am not going to forget about you Mr. pager.  Thanks to you I was able to label every person that I know with a three to four digit code.  I am now able to decipher such mathematic algorithms as 55378008 (boobless).  I don’t miss having to be labeled a drug dealer if I owned more than two of you.  But you were the gateway drug to texting with the new and improved sideways pager.  All different assortment of magical colors that you came in and all the calamity that you caused each time that beeping noise would go off in a crowded place.  You will be missed.

My last and final (I love redundancy) farewell is to you N.A.S.A.  You were utterly amazing.  You were sci-fi, you were the future.  You were what everyone hoped and wanted to succeed.  You put yourself in the history books every time you took a breath.

Now it seems that you are being pushed to the side like all the other important things that we care about (education, health-care, security).  So as your reign comes to an end I would just like to say, R.I.P Old Friend.

Donald Trump…Really?

Well I have never been so wanting to move out of the states until now.  How can we trust a man who cannot even be honest with himself about his balding.  Do we really want to put our wallet in the hands of a man who in the past two decades has filed three bankruptcies, yes three, although there are some out there that say four times (1992, 2004 and 2009).  If you lack the capacity to run a business, what makes you think that you can run a country?

Now that we know that you are not financially competent enough, lets talk about your domestic capacity.  OK I assume that Donald Trump is not a racist, but the statement “I have a great relationship with the blacks” is not going to win you any points in the election, except for in the south.  Also if you are going to defend abortion rights your entire career, you cannot become anti-abortion just so that you can fit in with your republican brothers.  Again if you are going to flip sides don’t do it with such rhetoric as  “sexual orientation would be meaningless” if you were president, and “I think it’s important for gay couples who are committed to each other to not be hassled when it comes to inheritance, insurance benefits, and other simple everyday rights”.  Then flip-flop and say “They should not be able to marry,” and on marriage and civil benefits, “As of this moment, I would say no and no.”.

You are a hypocrite and an idiot so in ‘Thoughts of an Ordinary Mans’ opinion…you fit right in.  So let the biggest reality TV show begin, the Presidential elections.  Donald Trump…YOU ARE FIRED, before you even have a chance to be hired.

What is absolutely amazing to me is that this moron is now leading the poles for the republican party.  Good luck Obama, you might want to start doing some of the things that you told us you would do in the beginning before we turn the white house into the next casino.

Dear Local Weather Man

Dear Local Weather man,

For being someone who I barely know, I have devoted much time relying in the things that you tell me.  That being said it blows my mind that it is so hard for you to get it right.  I assume that you had to have some sort of formal education in weather patterns, and I feel that your heart is in the right place when you tell me that it is going to be 75 degrees tomorrow.  But when I, half asleep out of my shower in the morning, put a pair of shorts a t-shirt and sandals on just to find myself battling 60 mile an hour winds and a breeze that goes all the way up my shorts I am painfully aware that you walk outside in the morning, lick your thumb, put it in the air and guess.  Please Mr. Local weather man, if there is an inkling of honor in your profession at least go to the weather channel and get some pointers, or just tell me what they say.

So in summation to an already summarized rant.  Get your crap together and stop pulling my chain.  I already have to listen to all the negativity that is on the news to get to your little farce of a segment, don’t depress me even more.  Also please clarify if it is going to be partly cloudy or partly sunny, just tell me that there will be clouds in the sky.  Honestly you have it pretty good living here in Las Vegas Nevada.  It’s either hot or cold for crying out loud.  HAVE SOME DIGNITY MAN!

Ill Try My Hand At A Poem

Why do I do this thing I do?

I do this thing every day of my life.

Why do I do this thing I do?

I seem to do it every second.

Why do I do this thing I do?

I know that I do it, so,

Why do I do this thing I do?

I can change it, I think, but

Why do I do this thing I do?

I know it will ruin my life so.

Why do I do this thing I do?

This is what keeps me in shackles

yet I do not know.

Why I do this thing I do?

Somewhere in my head is the reason.

Why I do this thing I do.

This thing I do has one simple word yet

I still do this thing I do

This thing I do is, NOTHING

I do nothing day in and day out

I do nothing every second

I know I do nothing yet I still do


I can change and start doing something but I do not

I need to stop doing nothing if I want to ever be something

Otherwise I am nothing

And that is not what I want to do.

Dwight D. Eisenhower quotes

American Presidents can learn a couple of things from Dwight D. Eisenhower.  Every President should have to have been in combat at one point in his life for them to be able to serve as commander and chief.


“I think that people want peace so much that one of these days government had better get out of their way and let them have it.”
Dwight D. Eisenhower

“When people speak to you about a preventive war, you tell them to go and fight it. After my experience, I have come to hate war. War settles nothing.”
Dwight D. Eisenhower

“You do not lead by hitting people over the head, that’s assault, not leadership.”
Dwight D. Eisenhower

“An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows”
Dwight D. Eisenhower

“Here in America we are descended in blood and in spirit from revolutionists and rebels – men and women who dare to dissent from accepted doctrine. As their heirs, may we never confuse honest dissent with disloyal subversion”.                                                                                                                                        Dwight D.Eisenhower

“I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens. ”
Dwight D. Eisenhower

“I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its futility, its stupidity”.
Dwight D. Eisenhower

“If men can develop weapons that are so terrifying as to make the thought of global war include almost a sentence for suicide, you would think that man’s intelligence and his comprehension… would include also his ability to find a peaceful solution”.
Dwight D. Eisenhower

“Neither a wise man nor a brave man lies down on the tracks of history to wait for the train of the future to run over him”.
Dwight D. Eisenhower

“Only Americans can hurt America”.
Dwight D. Eisenhower

“There is no glory in battle worth the blood it costs”.
Dwight D. Eisenhower

“We will bankrupt ourselves in the vain search for absolute security”.
Dwight D. Eisenhower

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